Steps to Seeking Forgiveness

applying ethical philosophy to the practicalities of living

includes contributions by Lois Kellerman, Don Montagna, and Jone Johnson Lewis

Some words about forgiveness and ethics, from Felix Adler's An Ethical Philosophy of Life, Book III, Chapter VI: "The Meaning of Forgiveness"

"Every kind of [morally hurtful act] is an attempt in some fashion to live at the expense of other life. The spiritual principle is: live in the life of others, in the energy expended to promote the essential life in others. Moral badness is self-isolation, detachment. Spirituality is consciousness of infinite interrelatedness."

"The most effectual aid [to forgiveness] is faith in the better nature of the wrongdoer."

Phase 1: Acknowledge wrong-doing

Clarify why a certain behavior was hurtful. Without understanding the harmful effects of your behavior, it will be difficult to change. Attempt to understand the hurt or pain from the point of view of those who have been hurt, and try to understand the harmful effect on yourself.
Acknowledge to yourself and others that the behavior was a mistake. Being able to acknowledge the mistake verbally is an important first step if the relationship is to be healed.
Express genuine sorrow to all those involved for the mistake you have made. When you understand the harmful effects of your behavior, and can express that with true feelings of sorrow, you open up possibilities for change and for healing.

Phase 2: Make amends

Act out of a deep sense of honoring yourself and the other party involved. Don't cater to postures of narrow defensiveness. It is courageous to face up to the harm you have done. Take the first step toward healing by being generous and proactive in your attempts to reconcile.
Find a "stroke" that is equal to your "blow." Do this by asking the party that is hurt what you can do that is equally positive to balance the negative. This is ultimately only symbolic, since we cannot undo past harm. But it is a critical sign of goodwill and true remorse.
Make amends in a timely manner. The longer you delay, the more wounds will fester. So act as swiftly as the processing of your feelings will allow.

Phase 3: Commit to change

Make a clear commitment to change your harmful patterns of behavior. This may involve clarifying what kinds of events trigger your destructive responses, and finding ways to avoid such situations or training yourself to respond differently.
Act visibly on your commitment. Change involves not only words, but actions, such as: appropriate counseling, courses in relationship skills, publicly asking for help in identifying your harmful patterns and support in your not acting on them.
Respect the process of change. Acknowledge to yourself and others that it is hard to change, and that behaviors deeply imbedded do not disappear quickly. Don't condemn yourself for slipping, and don't condone your old ways or trivialize their harmfulness. Rather, accept the actual without losing sight of the ideal.