Love Is Stronger Than Death
Arthur Dobrin

2-Comfort

I know a woman who for months after her husband's death kept his pajamas under her pillow. She took them from the drawer each night and returned them there in the morning. Before placing them under the pillow she lifted them to her nose and smelled them.

The pajamas and their aroma was a link to her deceased husband. The touch and the smell were her bridge from the past into the present. The ritual of holding, folding, sniffing and placing the pajamas under the pillow each night served her as a source of comfort.

In a primitive and powerful manner, the senses provide solace. Most often they are used unconsciously. Out of nowhere, it seems, there wafts an aroma that is associated with the deceased. It is a smell that reminds us of the person we loved. The smell may evoke a memory: a walk in the woods together, a smell like that of a car once owned, lilacs in spring. Many who are bereaved find themselves weeping for what appears to be no reason at all. In reality, it may be that there is something in the air that unknowingly reminds the bereaved of the person now missed.

In a similar way, food provokes strong feelings. Cooking aromas in the kitchen can remind us of the times we ate together, the communion around the table.

Food is also more than its aroma. Without it no one can exist. Each time we eat we are reminded that life continues, that there is a cycle in which we participate.

For this reason, mourning rituals throughout the world involve food. People come to visit the bereaved, often bringing food as a gift. It is both a real and symbolic gesture real because the mourners are in no condition to cook nor tend to ordinary necessities. Bringing food relieves the bereaved of that duty. Further, it is a declaration that the survivors must continue their own lives. Food is a reminder that life is more important than death .

All too often the bereaved think that they have lost hold of sanity because they break into tears without any apparent reason. In reality, they have not lost hold of life but are attempting to hold onto a life that had great meaning. They weep because something has entered unexpectedly and unconsciously. A touch, a smell are powerful cues to memory.

Love is Stronger than Death

Arthur Dobrin

Copyright 1986 by Arthur Dobrin